Signs

While taking a walk a few weeks after my grandmother's death back in 2003 my aunt noticed a beautiful, red cardinal perched on a tree. A few days later she saw another. And  another just a few days later.  

While cardinals are not unheard of in southern Minnesota, it's rare enough that seeing one feels pretty special and seeing several is quite momentous.  So when  my aunt continued to see what appeared to be that same cardinal again and again, she confided in my mom that she couldn't help but feel like that bird was my grandma watching over her.

I, in turn, thought this was crazy and became immediately concerned with how my aunt was dealing with her grief. Lutherans don't believe in reincarnation.  Besides, if grandma did come back, why in the world would she choose a cardinal, of all things?  

A few years later, however, I changed my tune.

Leaving Omaha for Charlottesville was quite difficult for me. My weight sky-rocketed as I numbed my dipping, swirling emotions with food.  By the time we reached our new home I was weighing in at nearly 200 pounds, a place I'd never imagined I'd be.

Walking Scout around the lake in our neighborhood one morning I started to cry.  I couldn't believe I'd let things get so out of control and was struggling to see how I'd pull it together.  As I contemplated the depths of my misery I caught a glimpse of something out of the corner of my eye.  I looked up to find a beautiful red cardinal staring straight at me.

I continued to walk Scout along this path for the next few weeks, often seeing my cardinal friend perched in the trees around me.  While I didn't believe in the possibility of my grandma's soul being locked inside this little bird, I also couldn't explain the strange sense of peacefulness I received every time I saw it. It was like the woman I had admired and adored my whole life was there, watching over me.

It wasn't long before I found out that seeing a cardinal in Virginia isn't quite the celebratory affair that it is in Minnesota (it's the State Bird, after all!) and that the bright red cardinals are actually the males and therefore, definitely not Grandma.  By then, however, I was receiving such a strong (and admittedly odd) sense of comfort from our encounters that I wasn't willing to let go of it.

Over time I began to pull out of my depression. My little walks around the lake turned into much longer walks (and eventually runs) that took me on trails and paths all around town. Somehow Grandma always seemed to find me. Sometimes she even brought Grandpa, which was really special to me because he passed away before I was born.  

At times I would hear Grandma telling me how proud she was of me. Other times her words of encouragement were designed to keep me going while struggling up a hill or through the end of a sprint.  And, on occasion, she was kind enough to remind me to stop feeling sorry for myself and get my ass moving (though I'm fairly sure the human Grandma never would've said 'ass').

It's been five years since we moved to Charlottesville and I'm happy to report that Grandma is still watching over me. To this day I always make a point of acknowledging her when I see her.  It's usually nothing more than a "Hey Gram!" or "What's up, Grampa?" but for some reason I feel like I have to do it.  Wouldn't want her to feel like I don't appreciate her support, ya know?

Who Is That?

I caught a glimpse of myself in the window as I was walking in to pick up the girls at school yesterday. I hardly recognized the woman staring back at me.  Actually, that's not true.  I recognized her all too well.  She looked entirely too much like somebody that I used to know (and no, I do not mean she resembled the sexy skinny chic that sings in that Gotye song).

I'd like to say I have no idea how this happened, but I'd be lying.  I know exactly how it happened.  After the Ten-Miler I was injured, burned out and busy.  I limited my running days to keep up with my life and my psyche.  Once I got the stress fracture diagnosis I slowed it down even more.  While taking time for recovery after an injury is certainly necessary, I took it a little too far - skipping classes, turning my runs in to walks and coming up with a million and one excuses ("moving all those boxes was a lot of work" - "I got my exercise today just going up and down the stairs a million times unpacking" - etc).  

The downfall of my healthy diet followed neatly behind my slacking exercise regimen.  While I didn't start hitting fast food drive thrus on a daily basis or anything, I did stop paying attention to what I was putting in my mouth.  You know how it is - a half a cookie here, a few Cheez-its there, just one more piece of pizza...

I haven't stepped on the scale yet.  I don't have to because I can tell from the way my clothes don't fit.  I'm not back to where I was before, but I will be soon if I don't get out of this rut.  Isn't it interesting how you it takes so long to get in shape but so little to get out of it?

Tomorrow is Friday.  If there's anything that can get me back into the groove it's one of Sandy's Outdoor Athletic Training classes.  McIntire Park - here I come! 

Morning Sickness

NO I AM NOT PREGNANT

But I got your attention, didn't I? 

I didn't title this "Morning Sickness" just for that reason though. I am honestly struggling with feeling ill in the morning.  This isn't caused by pregnancy, however, but by my diet and exercise. Go figure.  

Most people have experienced that feeling like you're going to throw up when you work out extremely hard or run super fast or whatever it is you choose to do for exercise.  So you'd think that after working out with Hyam for 6 months I'd be past that, right? Wrong.  Well, kind of wrong.  I was doing great until recently when changes in my appetite have thrown everything off.  I suddenly cannot eat in the mornings.  

We've all heard that breakfast is the most important meal of the day.  This goes double for those trying to lose weight that food gets your metabolism going.  When you sleep (and therefore fast) your metabolism slows down. If it goes too long without food your body starts to think it's in starvation mode and slows down even more - NOT what a dieter wants.  So, eating is essential to losing weight.  Counterintuitive, but true.  

When I was overweight (or more overweight than I am now) I had a horrible habit of eating in the middle of the night.  I've never been a good sleeper so waking up 3-4 times a night was pretty normal for me and  I'd eventually find my way to the kitchen (sound familiar, dad?).  So instead of being in fasting mode my metabolism was kicking in in the middle of the night.  By the time I got up for breakfast I was ravenous. Needless to say, I've always been a good breakfast eater. Until now.  

For the past few weeks my usual routine - make coffee, start a load of laundry, get the kids out of bed, fix breakfast and send kids off to school - has been thrown off.  Usually once the kids are out the door I sit down with a Greek yogurt or scrambled egg whites. Lately, however, even the thought of repulses me.  So I grab a piece of toast, an extra cup 'o joe and "go" to work (in the next room).  

Before I know it's 9:10. I need to be out the door in 4 minutes to get to Clay on time and I still have an empty stomach.  My body has now been fasting for 12-15 hours and though it is trying to tell me that it's not happy about it, I can neither find anything that appeals to me nor that I have time to digest before the workout.  

On average I expend about 500 calories per one hour workout at Clay.  It doesn't take a genius to figure that attempting to do a workout like this on a 15 hour fast is NOT a good idea. Even if I don't puke (which I haven't yet) I won't have a good workout, so I throw a banana down while driving and hope for the best.

I'm not stupid.  I know I need to eat.  But the balance of eating enough to sustain your body while trying to lose weight isn't as easy as it sounds.  This time I'm not actually trying to starve myself - I'm just not hungry the way I used to be.  But the fact remains that food is fuel for the body and if you are going to expect it to perform at a certain level you have to fuel it to do so.


So what do you eat to fuel your body before workouts?

Photos Don't Lie: Part Deux

I threatened to post some pics awhile back but my insecurities got the best of me.  Now that I am unofficially 12 pounds down I am, actually, even LESS willing to do so.  Why?  Because I feel like I've been working my ass off and don't really look that different.  A few people have commented on how they can see it in my face (thank you friends!) and one of my sweet daughters recently said 'I can tell your boobs are smaller." (really?) but all in all I don't see much of a change.  

But I realized I had to get over my shame real quickly when Hyam had a photographer in the studio a few weeks ago taking pics for her website and an ad in a local publication.  As incredible as she is (check her out here)  - she couldn't hide the fact that I am, well,  still fat.  It was tough to look at - really tough.  Hyam did remind us to look at how strong we are and to be proud of what we're doing - which I am -  but I can't deny that it was nearly impossible to get my eyes to move past the huge ring around my stomach.

So, since the photos are going to be public I thought I'd fess up to the truth now.  Photos don't lie, right?  Below you'll find a few chronological photos from the past few years to the past few months.  There is truly only about 1 photo of me for every 200 we have in our files because 1) I'm always behind the camera and 2) I've not wanted to be in any pictures because of my weight.  I'm trying to let go of the second one, but it's not easy.

July 2008

Despite the obvious I was in major denial about my weight until I saw how awful I looked in this photo.  I was mortifed when we got back from this trip and saw it staring back at me.  How had I not seen this in the mirror?

July 2009

Nothing like standing next to your gorgeous, skinny family to remind you of how fat you are! I lost a few pounds before this trip - knowing I'd have to be with them - but my priorities got out of whack not too long after our return - and so did my weight.

April 2010 

So let me first say that this picture is horrendous and makes me look even worse than I really looked at the time.  I used it here because - how could I not?  I look like a beast.  It's one year later and I've managed to not just gain everything back but to actually exceed my former max capacity.  It was this vacation that finally got me thinking about true change.  (And no, I'm not passed out, just taking a little nap on the beach...with a margarita in my hand...)

May 2010 

I met Hyam shortly after that last beach trip.  About one month later I am 5 pounds down.  I appear very happy about it in this picture - and I am.  I'm feeling good, sleeping and can see changes already.

July 2010

10 pounds down. Though the pounds aren't falling off quite as quickly as I'd like them to I see and feel changes every day.  I'm still big, but a little smaller - and much stronger - than I was just a few months ago.  Interesting how photos can show you not only how far you've come, but also how far you have to go...

That's My Girl

So the scheduling issues have continued but we’re working our way through them by being creative.  Thursday, for example, the girls came to class with me.  Sounds crazy, but they actually really enjoyed watching (so much so they begged to come with me this morning!)

Due to my own weight issues I’ve spent more time than the average mom attempting to ensure my girls have a healthy body image.  I’ll admit it’s probably been overkill, but I want so badly for them to not have to deal with what I have.  It was revealed to me a few weeks ago, when Maggie confided in me that a girl in school had called her fat (which she isn't, btw), that my messages - no matter how insane I may sound - are actually getting through to them.  

After we talked about it a little she walked away and hopped in the shower.  A few moments later, however, she stuck her head out and said “Being happy, healthy and a good person is more important than being skinny, Mom.”  I almost cried!

In The Numbers

Regardless of how far I go in this journey I will never divulge my actual weight to you.  Sorry, but after nearly 30 years of battling with the scale I find those numbers to have such a negative influence on my self-esteem that I barely even acknowledge them myself.  I realize, however, that they are a way of determining success, so I can't discount them completely.

So, I've decided that I'm going to kind of embrace them for the sake of the blog.  Kind of.  Though I don't take much stock in things like height/weight charts or even BMI, I do acknowledge that there has to be some easy way to track success.  So I'm starting with the number 40, which is the number of pounds I think I need to lose.  It's a somewhat arbitrary number - based solely on what I think I should weigh in order to look the way I'd like to look and feel the way I'd like to feel - but it's a number - and I know people like numbers.

Once a week I will weigh in and report to you where I am at.  The goal, of course, is that every time I post the number will have decreased. Since I didn't post last week's weigh-in I will do that now - it was...39.     

This will be fun, right?

Weekend Woes

So I'm guessing some of you were wondering when my "this is so awesome" attitude was going to change.  Well....let's just say I had a tough weekend. 

The weekend itself was actually fine.  If I wasn't trying to make big changes in my life I might even say it was quite nice.  Friday night a big storm came in so both girls decided they needed to climb in with me.  While this does hinder my sleep significantly, I can't help but loving having them next to me.  They are growing up so fast - it won't be long before snuggling their mom will be a distant memory.

Saturday afternoon we were fortunate to be able to attend the Bama Works Fund Mother-Daughter Luncheon benefit.  The event was catered by the Greenwood Gourmet Grocery so the food was fabulous, local and fairly healthy.  The dessert was beautiful, organic and just too hard to resist.  I only had one, which, if you've tasted a Mahlia Creation you know is something to be proud of!

So here's where the tough part comes in.  I'll spare you all the details because it gets pretty darn ugly and embarrassing, but I will say this: while sleeping over at Amazement Square Saturday night with the Girl Scout troop prohibited my usual weekend overindulgence (alcohol), I managed to keep my calorie and fat intake up with a trip to a fast food restaurant, a large non-fat mocha and few Thin Mints.  And if that wasn't enough,  the more Sunday wore on, the more tired I became and the worse my choices got.  I made a noble attempt at my vegetable intake this evening, but am fairly sure the pepperoni cancelled that out.

Is this why they say not getting enough sleep is bad for your waistline?

Truth in Photos

A few days ago a friend suggested that I post "Before and After" pics on the blog. Though he was joking I don't think it's such a bad idea.  If posting a picture of yourself at the heaviest you've weighed in your entire life for the whole world to see doesn't kick the vanity out of you nothing will! 

Plus, I can't really expect people to get behind me if they don't actually see what's happening. Many, if not most, of you reading this haven't seen me for quite awhile (like 10 - 20 years!) . You may remember me as that 115 pound high school tennis player or 125 pound college sorority girl or 135 pound young woman searching for her career. I still play tennis (though not very well), I still heart the brown and mode (a Gamma Phi thing) and finally figured what I wanted to be when I grew up (thanks to Jennifer Stender-Hawkins and SuzySaid!) but unfortunately your memory of my appearance would be very wrong.  Somewhere between there and here I managed to become fulfilled but also filled out.  

The problem is, I've searched through all of our photos from the past 6 months and there are very few of me - and absolutely none of my entire body.  I'm always the one behind the camera and on the rare occasion that a picture of me is taken, I usually delete it.   Occasionally I will take one with the girls, but that's a head shot only.  And if it weren't for the two beauties next to me I'd delete those too.

So added to my "To Do" list this week is to get a picture posted on here.  I can promise that it will not be Biggest Loser-esque (a sports bra and biker shorts)  or like those bikini-clad diet pill ads in Family Circle - it will be me and my 40 extra pounds - just waiting on a change.

Looking Good!

Today I had my second workout with Hyam.  I'm about 5 hours post workout right now so I'm still up and moving, though I have a feeling tomorrow I may not be quite so fortunate.  Again, however, I will say that my attitude is in a really good place and though it wasn't easy I know I'm working my ass off - and that feels incredible!

My friend Laura will be working out with Hyam and I for the month of May. She is actually the one who introduced me to Clay Fitness (thank you, Laura). While I think she is absolutely gorgeous and doesn't need to lose a single pound (and those who know her would agree) my perception isn't what matters.  She's turning 40 this weekend and is ready to - as she said - get her body back.  

After the workout (while waiting for my arms to stop shaking) we chatted about what we are doing and why.  And though we are in different places when it comes to our weight, body image, etc. we both agreed on something - we want to look good.

The premise of this journey - and why I'm calling it "Finding Amy" - is that I am searching for the me that is hiding under all these "layers" - layers of fat, layers of clothing, and definitely layers of psychological damage. I am cognizant of the fact that this is going to be an emotional journey as well as a physical one (I do have a B.A. in psychology, afterall).  

Maybe I haven't been so honest, however, about the more vain side of this.  It's true - I want to look good.  Not so that I can meet some hot guy or so some social clique accepts me like I may have in my youth, but because I like looking good.  I love clothes - especially good ones.  But at my size I can't wear most of what I love because they don't fit me or I just don't feel comfortable in them.  Strappy little sundresses?  With these boobs? Yeah, right!  Skinny jeans?  Only with a sweater that covers my mid-section and my butt.  And swimsuits?  Now that Spanx started making them, maybe.  

So there you have it folks.  The journey has begun and I'm laying all my cards out on the table.  I'm in this for a major change both outside and in. The few steps I've taken in the right direction so far have been good ones - but there are many more ahead of me.

Wow!

I am a little overwhelmed - and SO appreciative - of the amount of support I've received from family and friends upon the start of this journey.  It's not that I didn't think people would support me, of course, but I never imagined the number that one little post on Facebook would provoke so many heartfelt responses.

Admittedly it's a little scary to realize that people are actually reading this - and that I truly can't back down now!  Mostly, however, it's inspiring, amazing and has totally pumped me up!  While I struggled a bit this weekend with fitting in exercise, watching my food intake and limiting my alcohol I did feel like I was taking a step in the right direction (though it was definitely a baby step!).

I guess that's why we call it a "journey"...

Why Something Different

I probably need to make it clear that my decision to leave ACAC had nothing to do with the club - it was solely about me.  ACAC is a great place with really good trainers, instructors and about a million options for exercise.  I have several good friends who work there and have never had anything but a positive experience.  I wasn't, however, actually making use of any of the amenities so I decided it was time to do something different for now.

Could I have found what I needed at ACAC?  Probably, but if I've learned one thing after all these years of off and on dieting and exercising it's that the psychological components of weight loss are just as important as the physical.  I'd had years of failure of trying things on my own at the club.  I was having a hard time getting myself to even think about going there, let alone actually following through.  I'd drive by several times a week and literally feel sick to my stomach because I knew I should stop, but just couldn't get myself to do it.  It was time for a change.

My Journey

Though it took several e-mails I finally committed to meeting Hyam for my first session/assessment at Clay Fitness on Wednesday, May  5.  After our first meeting (which I will tell you about in my next post) she set up a schedule for me that is rigorous, but doable.  I will meet with her for Personal Training on Tuesdays and Thursdays and will attend a group class on Fridays. Three out of the four days that I am not with her I will have assigned homework that I am expected to complete. On the seventh day I will (happily) rest.

Additionally, I have started using Spark People to track my daily food intake.  This, I'm sure, will be an eye-opener for me.  Obviously I eat too much and not as healthily as I should, but when you start tracking every little bite you can't deny it anymore.  As I've mentioned before (and surely will again) I'm really good at lying to myself.  I can't tell you how many times I've said, "It's the weekend" or "I'm on vacation" just to justify another beer or brownie.  SparkPeople and Hyam don't let you do that, so be prepared for some big changes (and subsequent whining).

It's important to note that this "journey" of mine is not solely about losing weight.  Actually, it's not about losing weight at all.  If I worked at this for the next three months and didn't lose a pound but I was healthier, more fit and happy with who I am, and - let's be honest - I had a rockin' body -  that would be success for me. The reality of it is, however, that I am overweight to reach those goal of being a "happy, healthy, hottie"  pounds are going to come off.  Plys they are an easy way to track success so I am going to use them.  And I'm dying to say something like "I lost 40 pounds!"

All joking aside, I'm sincere when I say that this blog truly is more about my journey to find myself (or re-find myself) in these layers I've been hiding under the past few years.  It's more than just a "weight loss blog" - it's about changing my life both inside and out. I'm sharing it with the world because I truly need this accountability, but also hope that maybe I will inspire someone else out there who has gone through - or is going through - a similar situation.  If I reach just one person then again, that's success for me.

Getting Started

I've been talking about getting serious about my weight and health for years.  It never seemed to rise to the top of the priority list, however (and if it did I just pushed it back down).  There was no secret that I had picked up a few pounds over the years, but somehow I continually found a way to justify it to myself.  I was happy and healthy - what did I need to lose weight for?

It wasn't until I started my Cville Plugged In TV gig that I realized how bad it had really gotten.  Watching my first appearance I couldn't even hear  myself speak -  I was so focused on what I looked like.  Who was that fat woman on the screen?  OMG - it was me!

So I attempted to get back into my routine at ACAC but soon realized that I was about as excited about that as I was about the salad I had for dinner.  We'd been members at the gym  since we moved here and the only thing I had to prove for it was a several thousand dollar debt and 5 more pounds than I started with.  It was clear I needed something different.  What that was, however, I didn't know.  So I went home to mull it over (along with a box of Thin Mints).

Several weeks and a few boxes of cookies later fate brought me to Clay Fitness + Nutrition. Ok, maybe it wasn't as much fate as it was work, but that sounds kind of boring...My intention was to interview Hyam Hosny, the owner of Clay, a new studio that opened in Belmont this spring for an article for SuzySaid.  Two hours later, however, I found that I had not only told her my entire diet history, but was ready to sign on the dotted line.

"What's different about your program?"  I asked her.  She blushed and stammered a little, "I'm not good at self-promoting," she responded at first.  But then continued to tell me how she invests herself completely in her clients.  She truly involves herself in their success - sending text messages - assigning homework - and, in a sense, riding their asses (in a loving way). This, I knew, was the "something different" I was looking for.  

Time for a Change

My weight has been an issue as long as I can remember.  By "issue" I mean there were times when I was way too thin - times when I was way too heavy - and probably even times when I was just right (but too obsessed to realize it).  Regardless of which end of the weight spectrum I fell on, however, one thing was always consistent - my weight has always consumed my life.

After the birth of my children I made a conscious decision to changes this.  I vowed that I would not allow my girls to go through what I have.  I swore I'd bring them up with a healthy body image.  I promised would teach them to love themselves the way that God made them.

And while I think I've done a fair job (so far) in teaching my girls to love themselves, somewhere along the way I seemed to have forgotten about loving myself.  So now, after decades of extreme dieting and non-dieting - years of attempting not to allow my weight take over my life I've somehow managed to do just that.  I'm 37 years old with a fabulous life full of friends, family, and many wonderful blessings, yet I'm unhappy, uncomfortable and unable to wear all the cute clothes I love so much.  I'm the heaviest I've ever been.  It's time for a change