Muscle Weighs More Than Fat

Before you get all literal on me, let me say that I do realize that a pound of muscle weighs the same as a pound of fat - just like a pound of feathers weighs the same as a pound of bricks, etc. I get it.  Just read on -  I promise it will make more sense. Or at least I hope so.

I received the following text from my friend Laurel a few weeks ago:

"Was just looking at some pics from early in 2013 and you have lost so much weight! You know I've always thought you looked great, but I know how hard you've been working and it has really paid off!"

Immediately after sending her a response informing her that she was the BEST FRIEND EVER, I hopped on the scale to see that I'd lost...wait for it....five pounds. Yes, a whopping five pounds over the past three months. Woo-f'ing-hoo. 

So when Fairview opened this week and I was forced to be out in public in my bathing suit I was feeling pretty insecure.  I know, I know, I'm forty years old and should be over this shit by now, but being okay with your body doesn't happen overnight (or apparently over 40 years). 

But then the strangest thing happened.  Three different people, on three different occasions complimented me on how great I looked.  I, of course, ran home on all three occasions to hop on the scale.  I had, after all, been working even harder than usual, taking four classes per week at Clay several times in the past month.  Certainly I'd lost something significant since the last time I stepped on the scale, right?  

Wrong.

Two more freaking pounds.  

I won't lie to you - I was feeling super discouraged. Thoughts like "Why am I doing this if it isn't making a difference?" and "I really want a Hot Fudge Brownie Sundae from Dairy Queen RIGHT NOW!" went racing through my mind. That's where I am used to going to - the negative, "might-as-well-give-up", place.  Flashback, however, to the beginning of this post.  If people are noticing - and being nice enough to say something to be about it - it must actually be making a difference.  My appearance is changing, even if the numbers on the scale aren't.  I'm replacing fat with muscle (duh!). Often it's hard to see those types of changes on your own body - especially when you're used to looking at it with such a critical eye.  The numbers on the scale are tangible - factual - objective.  Whittling waistlines are intangible - abstract - subjective. I'm a science geek, A theory is just a theory unless it can be proven as fact, right?

So here's where I stand today.  Time to get over myself.  No, I'm not bikini-ready. But that wasn't ever my goal was it? Since I started on this "journey" I've always claimed I wanted to be stronger, healthier, better (physically and psychologically). Then that, my friends, is where I need to focus! 

There are actual, tangible, ways for me to assess whether or not I am achieving my "stronger, healthier, better" goals, as well.  At Clay I can do an Assessment, which will measure not just my weight, but my percentage body fat, and several physical tasks that I have done in the past.  I can compare what I was able to do 6 months ago with what I can do now.  I'm fairly certain that I will be able to run hard, faster, and longer than before - do ball squats for way longer than I had in the past - and push-ups? Going to knock those babies out of the park! Guess it's time to schedule that thing, huh?

Another way for me to assess if I am physically healthier is at the doctor's office. I'm fairly sure my cholesterol and blood pressure have improved over the past year. Sure, they're going to weigh me, too, but if I dress just right (I still have my teeny, tiny 'weigh-in underwear' from my Weight Watchers days!) the results just might be in my favor.  And if not, well, I will call Laurel and ask her to tell me how great I look. Aren't friends wonderful? 

There are ways to measure psychological improvement too, but I think we'll save that one for another day...

Progress Reports

There are several different ways that I track my activity/progress when it comes to exercise.  My heart rate monitor, for instance, gives me the duration of my workout, how many calories I burned, average and maximum heart rate, and how long I was in my target heart rate zone.  I, of course, usually focus on the calories because let's face it, I'm trying lose weight here - calorie burn matters.  But at Clay we truly utilize the heart rate monitor in our workouts. Our heart rate monitors are set specifically to our personal zones, based on an assessment done by our trainers, so that we are maximizing our workout based on our fitness levels.

I also use the Map My Run app when I walk Scout or on the off chance that I decide to run outside.  I like it because it gives me a very accurate idea of how far I've gone (I'm always trying to mix it up with a new route), as well as what my pace is.  While walking Scout usually averages a slow 16 minute mile that truly doesn't get my heart rate up high enough to consider a true workout,  those miles somehow feel more "legit" if I'm tracking them.

Then, of course, there is the scale.  Truthfully I'm not a big fan of the scale.  Maybe it's because I've lost and gained so many pounds over the years, but I don't find it to be a real accurate representation of my daily efforts.  There have been weeks when I've done kick ass workouts every day only to step on the scale to find I've gained a few pounds.  From an intellectual standpoint I know that the numbers don't change how hard I worked, but it can totally deflate me emotionally, so I tend only check the scale periodically.

Even though I have all of these concrete, tangible tracking mechanisms my favorite way to judge my progress is by my laundry.  Yep, laundry.  I don't dry any of my workout clothes so I hang each piece up after I pull it out of the washer.  I can tell what kind of week I've had by the number of items hanging in the doorway at the end of laundry day.  

GOOD WEEK

BAD WEEK

How do you track your progress?

Forever

I spent a weekend at the beach in Port Aransas, Texas with my sister and mom at the end of March.  It was a great weekend filled with lots of laughter, reminiscing and making new memories.  I love both of them immensely, and having time like this is about as good as it gets. 

As good as it was for the soul, however, it was difficult on my self-esteem.  

My sister and mom, you see, are both quite thin and beautiful.  I often joke that if you sliced me in half both vertically and horizontally you'd have my my sister.  At 5'3" and about 110 pounds it's not actually that much of an exaggeration.  And while she's always been petite and thin, she recently discovered a passion for (obsession with) tennis that has taken her tiny, cute body to hot rockin', cute body with some serious muscle (you should see her guns!).  

And then there's my mom. At 70 years old she could still rock a bikini if she wanted to (she doesn't) and can put most 30 year old women to shame when it comes to energy levels (without drinking a 5-Hour Energy Drink).

So you can see why I might feel a little out of place...

Most of the time I am good at separating my weight from my self-worth. I know my body size doesn't define who I am, and the majority of the time I'm truly okay with - actually proud of - who I am.  I work hard at being strong and I've almost completely overhauled my diet in the past few years.  I am not the insecure, overweight, unfit, bulimic girl I used to be. But sitting in a swimming suit next to your hot 44 and 70 year old family members makes it pretty impossible to deny that you are not nearly as thin or fit as you'd like to be, either.

Prior to my trip I had spent several weeks telling myself that it was time to kick it up a notch. I'd been stuck at a certain weight for several months and I knew that it would only change if I did something about it.  Being with my mom and sister was actually a good reminder that I needed to do more than just think about it.  The only one who has control of this is me, and sitting around wishing I was smaller has never been an effective way for me to get where I wanted/needed to be. Go figure.

So, we're now two weeks post spring break and I have, indeed "kicked it up a notch". i'm happy to report that, thanks to a major change in my diet (which I will blog about this weekend) and the addition of a hour of boxing with Laura at Clay (which I will blog about soon, too!) I am five pounds down!  

It's a good start.  Now, I just need to keep it up.  Forever.

To Do

This SpongeBob picture pretty much explains why you haven't seen me here few awhile. The last few months went like this: I got sick - I got sicker -  I got better - I got sick again - I got depressed  - I got lazy - I got sick AGAIN - I got fat - I got frustrated - I got better again...and at some point I pretty much just gave up.  

What I learned this summer was this - doing nothing is a lot easier than doing something. It doesn't, however, make you happier and it certainly doesn't make you healthier.

Okay, I knew that already but it took hitting pretty close to rock bottom before I could actually admit it.  

Important part, however, I am  - once again - working my way back up again. I gained over 15 pounds in the past few months - UGH - but I'm confident I can get it back off again. Why? Because I have a plan, and as my good friend Sissa always says, "You've gotta have a plan!"

So here's my plan: 

1. Clay 
2. Tennis 
3. Yard 
4. Disney

Yep, that's all I've got right now.  But read on and you'll understand.  There is usually a method to my madness.  Usually.

1. Clay 

When my illness cycle started this spring (which began with the poison ivy I told you about in June) I could barely muster up the energy to get through the basics of the day, let alone exercise.  I was hopped up on so many antihistamines, steroids painkillers, and, if we're being honest, vodka, that I was either in a fog or a fit. (It wasn't pretty). I missed the end of the spring session and the start of the summer one. Two weeks ago, however,  I sent an SOS to Hyam.  I really needed her help. Within 24 hours she had me back in classes and working on a plan for the fall. Hopping back into the cycling class was not, unfortunately, "just like riding a bike" but I survived and am going back for more! 

2. Tennis 

I played tennis in high school and although I really love the game, that was about the last time I picked up a racket.    At the prompting of my friend Tracey, however, I finally got back out there this year. I had a blast attending "Ladies Night" at Fairview, playing with the Spicy Chicken every Sunday and catching an extra night of drills occasionally. Though I'm still nowhere near as good as I'd like to be (or as I used to be) it's slowly coming back and I'm having a lot of fun.  An extra bonus is quality time with both Tracey and the Spicy Chicken!

3. Yard

It's no TRX class, but we have 2.2 acres of built-in strength training just waiting out there for me.  Other than mowing, prior to our moving in nothing had been done to the land for quite awhile.  I've spent hours upon hours out there this summer and my muscles - especially those that I never knew I had - will attest to the fact that it is indeed a workout.  And, if nothing else, it's healthier than sitting on the couch, watching the Olympics and eating bonbons.

4. Disney

We took the girls to Disney in 2008 in the middle of summer (stupid, I know, but I had a conference).  It was fun but really freakin' hot so we ended up spending more time at water parks than amusement parks.  For several years we've talked about taking them back before they're too old (and yes, I realize many of you will say you're never too old for Disney, but my list of "Places I Want Us to Visit" is long so Disney can only take up so much space).  While planning the trip this year I decided that coupling it with my desire to complete a Half Marathon made sense. Okay, so it doesn't really make sense, but ever since my friend Robyn did the Disney Princess Half Marathon last year I've had a strange desire to cross the finish line with Mickey Mouse or Cinderella. Plus it'd be a fun to check "Do Half Marathon" and "Take Kids to Disney" off my list at the same time!  Even better, the Spicy Chicken has a conference there this winter and has almost committed to doing it with me.  If I can get him to commit I think his dad, who is a seasoned marathoner, may join us, too. 

Okay, so that's my plan for staying back on track.  I realize this does not address my eating or drinking, which are major factors in my weight problem.  They are, of course, a part of my plan, just not the part I'm ready to deal with yet.  So in the meantime...

5. Cheers!

I'm just kidding, of course. I am working on the food and drink thing too - it just would've been to long to write about that here too (and I just love this photo I took while the Spicy Chicken and I were staying at the cabin at DelFosse Vineyards this summer). 

Take Back

So it' the New Year!  If you are one of the millions of people across the world who - like me - is resolving to make positive changes to your health this year I have an event for you!

On Saturday, January 7, I invite you to seize the opportunity to not only kick-start your health and weight loss goals for 2012 but give back to your community at the same time!  If you're in Charlottesville join us between 1:00pm and 4:00pm at EAT! in Belmont for the Take Back 30-Day Challenge (sponsored by Tracey Webber, owner of EAT! and of Ivana Kadija, owner of Yourishment)  -  your opportunity to TAKE the weight off and give BACK to your community

You can visit the Take Back website at www.takeback.me for complete details but here's the Cliff Notes version to get you started:

Take Back is a 30-day community challenge that costs just $10 - all of which will be donated to a local charity at the end of the program. For that $10 you get an entire month of daily nutritional, exercise and motivational information on losing weight, getting healthy and - most importantly - staying healthy. This information comes from Tracey Webber  (whom you've heard me talk lots about) and Ivana Kadija, two amazing local health coaches who wanted to find a way to share their knowledge and expertise to as many people as possible this year.

And added bonus of being in the program is that you will get coupons and discounts to local businesses like Relay Foods, Belvedere Healing Arts, Clay Fitnes & Nutrition, Ragged Mountain Running Shop - and many others who are supporting this great program. So not only will you lose weight this month - you'll actually receive more than you donated! 

And...there are prizes!  You can sign up as an individual or a team.  Individuals are eligible to win great prizes and teams get the ultimate prize of choosing which non-profit receives the donation money at the end of the challenge. I've teamed up with some friends and friends of friends to be on Team Rockstar.  If you'd like to join us we'd love to have you - or we're always up for a little friendly competition.

So if you'd like to join me and many others in the community, head on over to www.takeback.me to sign up for the Challenge - and then come kick off in style with us at EAT! at 407-D Monticello Road in Belmont on Saturday, January 7.  Sponsors and participating non-profits will be on hand to provide tips, Take Back coupons, and info but mostly it will a fun and inspiring way to kick off a month of taking back your life while giving back to your community! 

*For a fabulous article on the Take Back Challenge and what it's REALLY all about visit the Relay Foods Blog - Relay Life.  

 

Excuses Excuses

Last night I ran in to a friend I hadn't seen in awhile.  "Are you still blogging?" she asked.  My immediate inclination was to say "YES!" because in my head I blog all the time (a phenomenon that only those who write will understand) and if you could come behind the scenes here at "Finding Amy...Again" you'd see that I've written plenty of posts (they all just happen to still be in Draft form).  

The actuality, of course, is that I've not posted anything here for over a month so the honest (and embarrassing) answer I had to give was "No, not really."  I followed it up, however, by an equally honest (and equally embarrassing) response of "But I'm going to get back into it soon... I'm revamping it so that it looks better and reaches more people...blah blah blah."

This is sounds vaguely famiiar doesn't it? I've said it here before and I've definitely said it in relation to my weight loss/health/journey. And while I feel bad about it, this is how life goes sometimes.  Parts of your life sometimes give way to other parts of your life. While the truth is that  my plans really have been to change and improve the blog, I haven't had much time to dedicate to it or my health lately.  And, the blog revamp, like the health journey, takes time and dedication to be successful.  But...now that I am unemployed (by choice, more on that later....) I will have lots of time to do it and I can't wait to really make all aspects of this work.

In the meantime I will be right here working on editing all those Draft Posts  (and deleting a few) as the stories of my summer weight gain will be easily overshadowed by the emotional eating I succumbed to over the holidays.  So stay tuned for the roll out of our new look which I hope to roll out upon my 39th birthday -  have seriously big plans for positive change in my 40th year! 

The Summer That Wasn't

Remember me?  I don't blame you if you don't.  The last post I had on here was in July, which even I can barely believe.  But I'm back in full force and plan on inundating you with the ups and downs of my search (no, I still don't think I've truly found Amy yet!) and before you know you will once again be thinking "Wow, that girl has too much to say!"

The bad news is, it was a tough summer.  The good news is, I'm back on track.  

I started the summer with great intentions.  I hired a nanny three days a week that would free me from the 60+ minutes of driving the girls across town to swim team once (and sometimes twice) a day.  This (in theory) would, in turn, give me more time to work, exercise and get our lives organized while still allowing me some fun summer time with the girls.  And while the nanny was, indeed, fabulous, I apparently needed a lot more than 3 days a week to get my shit together because it's September and, quite frankly, I'm no further along than I was in June.

As my work demands increased so did Courtney's and even though good things were happening for both of us (check me out with Sherry Taylor on Z95.1 on Thursday & Friday mornings!) I started to fall apart.

When August hit I found myself in a pretty deep state of depression.  I'd allowed myself to gain back 1/3 of the weight I'd lost, was eating my way through my stress and had been to class so infrequently that I was almost afraid to go back again.  The prescription to my anitidepressants had expired and I had neglected to schedule the necessary appointment with my doctor so I was now unmedicated, as well.  It wasn't pretty.

Between then and now I've had a lot of moments that lead me to getting back on track. The e-mails from Hyam - meetings with Tracey - my doctor's warnings  - and yes, even the arrival of my 20th High School Reunion. But the one that was bigger than all of the above was internal.  I felt so good in so many ways when I was taking care of myself and I wasn't ready to give that up.  I needed it back.

Fortunately our bodies are resilient and our muscles have memory because though it's been a tough few weeks back at the studio I can already feel it coming back together.  I plan to take this blog in a slightly different direction over the next few months - still focusing on all the ups and downs of my journey - but also as a way to keep myself accountable.  I will be telling you probably more than you want to know about what I'm eating, how much (or little!) I'm exercising and where I end up as a result of that because I've found that it's easy to lie to myself about why I'm eating that fourth chocolate chip cookie ("It's the weekend - you deserve it!) but it's impossible for me to lie to all of you!

Stay tuned....

Oh, and the flamingo at the top of the page? It's a long story - and one my sister would be happy to tell you IF she could control her laughter.  The short of it is that it's a symbol to me that I can conquer my fears and insecurities if I try - sometimes I just need to be reminded. And yes, that does mean I once had a fear of flamingoes.  

Spring Break

This was me on spring break last year

This was me on spring break this year

WHAT A DIFFERENCE A YEAR MAKES!

Progress Report

When I started working out at Clay Fitness 9 months I couldn't do a push-up.  Nor could I do a real sit-up. Nor could I run around the block without feeling like I wanted to die.  Seriously.  I was that out of shape.

Today I ride 15-20 miles in a 30-minute session on a bike every Monday and follow that up by 30 more minutes of intense strength training that consists of uncountable repetitions of push-ups, sit-ups, dips, lunges, squats, flys, presses, kick-backs, and a ton of other things I don't have names for.

Wednesdays we do our cardio in the big studio by lunging, squatting, jumping, hopping, running and jiving on the , the TRX (my latest love-hate relationship!, playing with sandbags, ropes, steps and other various toys and weapons.  


Friday's I'm not even scheduled to go to class but sometimes I show up just for fun.  Yes, I said, fun.  And did I mention that I run 3 miles on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday now, too? FUN.

For you numbers people here are the stats: I'm currently down 23 pounds, 2 pants sizes, one shirt size, one bra cup size and quite a few inches in most of the right places.


When I started 9 months ago I couldn't do a push-up.  Now I'm rockin' the "Athletic Conditioning" class like a true athlete.  Yes, I'm proud of myself.  I can't help it.  I've come a long way! 

This *#%! Works!

I've been asked several times recently why I'm such a big proponent for Clay Fitness & Nutrition and this quote, from a classmate of mine - "This shit works!" always comes to mind.  Stephanie made this comment while banging out push-ups in class a few weeks ago - something she couldn't do when our program started.  And while it probably won't make the "Testimonials" section of Clay's website or Facebook page, I personally love it. 


Stephanie was a beautiful person when she started working out at Clay, but when you see her now she knocks your socks off. She's lost a significant amount of weight and gained some really gorgeous muscle, but it's not just the physical changes that make her so stunning - it's the psychological ones.  Even though she may not realize it - she exudes a confidence that I didn't see in her 12 weeks ago.  It's truly beautiful.

I don't get paid to throw Clay's name around or say nice things about Hyam. This blog was my own idea - a way to hold myself accountable and, hopefully inspire other people with struggles similar to mine.  I asked her before I started, of course, but nothing I say here is ever officially prompted by her.  She creates content for the blog without even realizing it by saying and doing things that inspire me (and many other people) on a continual basis. 


I love what I'm doing at Clay because though I'm not breaking any weight loss records I'm having greater success than I've ever had with my diet and health.  I rave about Clay Fitness because I'm 25 pounds into my weight loss goals and still I'm having fun doing it.  I brag about Hyam because she has an amazing ability to push me beyond my self proposed limits while building me up instead of tearing me down.  I go on and on about my workouts because despite the fact that I'm there three days a week they are always different and I'm never, ever bored.  I blab about it because quite simply - this shit works!

"Nothing tastes as good...

...as skinny feels."  This quote was made famous by Kate Moss a few years back.  I'm not up for debating Kate Moss but I would argue that it's not so much being skinny that feels so good, but rather being healthy and being strong.  

(Plus, I'm fairly sure if given a few minutes I could come up with a list of things that come pretty close to tasting as good, if not better, than being skinny).  

This is what feeling good looks like to me!

Healthy, strong and thin! 

I got up this morning with a renewed sense of what I needed to do and how I needed to get there (making a public promise to get back on track is a fairly strong  motivator).  Still, I found myself calculating the time it would take me to get everything I needed to get done before I could  crawl back into bed. That desire, however, disappeared quickly while at Clay this morning.  

I'm not going to lie - getting back on that bike wasn't easy.  I struggled through some of the challenges, but it felt great.  I worked off over 500 calories and walked out of there ready to start checking things off my list.  

Here's the crazy part - what made me feel so great wasn't  a Diet Coke (I haven't had one) or the leftover donut from Carter Mountain (it's still there) or a few extra hours of sleep (though I could still use those) - but rather eating a healthy breakfast and exercising. Go figure.

Who feels good now, Kate Moss?

Discovery

I made an amazing discovery today...I have ribs!  

Ok, you're right, I do have a biology degree so I actually knew they were there somewhere all along protecting my lungs, but I hadn't seen them in years so I was having a hard time believing it.   But there they were today, poking out at me.

Ok, again, you're right.  "poking out" might be somewhat of an exaggeration, but when they've been covered under so much for so long, any view of them feels pretty major, so can we go with "almost poking out"? Please?

Wow - if I keep doing this exercise thing I may even find out I have hip bones.  I seem to remember seeing them back in the 90's - what are the chances they're still there? 

Feeling Comfortable in My Genes

This is a post I wrote a few weeks ago when my mom was visiting. 

 I wasn't sure if I should post it or not. Still not sure...

Today was a momentous one for me in relation to my weight loss in a couple different ways.

First, you know that pair of jeans in your closet that doesn't fit you anymore but you still hang on to because you absolutely love them and you're just so sure you're going to be able to fit into them again?  I fit into mine today!  The cutest pair of Banana Republic cropped boyfriend jeans from over 6 years ago that I wore only once (before seeing my gorgeous, skinny neighbor in the same pair and realized they didn't look anything like that on me) and vowed I'd get my big 'ol butt in them properly some day.  Well, today was that day!

Secondly, it was the first time I'd seen my mom since I started this weight loss journey five months ago.  Let me first state that I adore my mother with all of my heart.   However, in addition to being wonderful, kind, caring, thin, and beautiful she also has a slight obsession with weight (namely mine).  It's kind of difficult to write about because not only do I not want to hurt her feelings, but it's been a contentious issue for many years - one that rather than argue about we tend to sweep under the rug. I am only brave enough to write this now because I know she can't read it as the only computer in our household happens to be in my hot little hands. Sorry mom.

Don't be a hater though. My mom's mild preoccupation with my weight is truly out of love. She wants me to be happy and healthy - there's nothing wrong with that.  Considering my genetic make-up it's normal to be concerned about what could've happened to me if I were to have continued to spiral out of control (hyper-tension, heart disease, cancer....and that's just the first page of my dad's medical history!).  Sometimes, however, the way in which she expressed her motherly love felt more like disappointment to me that it was meant to. 

What it comes down to is this: my parents raised a perfectionist.  I was this way not because they expected perfection from me (they didn't), but because that is how I was (am!) wired.  When I got older, however, I found myself doing everything possible to shake that damn perfectionist because I had realized something...I was not, nor would I ever be perfect.  Once I realized this it occurred to me that no matter what I did I was obviously going to let everyone down so might as well just become the antithesis of perfect which, to me at the time, was fat.

That didn't go over real well for Joycy because a) she loves me b) she loves my family c) she knew I was hurting and using the fat to hide that - she's my mom after all, she can see through anything (even layers of adipose tissue!).  So when my few extra pounds appeared to be turning into an extra 40 pounds she took notice and attempted to help.  The only problem was - what's that old addage - you can't help someone if they don't want to be helped?  That was me.

Things are different now, though, and I just couldn't wait to show her that her little girl was done hiding. She was, not surprisingly, thrilled to see the changes.  

Yep, even at 37 years old a daughter still craves her mother's approval.

Learning to Love

About 6 months after the Spicy Chicken and I got engaged I called off the wedding.  We were living together at the time so he went to stay with his parents for a few days to sort through his own feelings.  When he got back he told me he loved me but he couldn't love me enough for both of us - I needed to learn to love myself.

Sounds like a line out of a movie, but it's a true story. It forced me to do some major soul searching.  Did I really not love myself?  Turns out I didn't even like myself all that much, but I  did love him, so I took steps to get there.  Hard to imagine that with all that therapy I'm right back where I started.

I love a lot of people.  And I actually love a lot of things (like really great shoes, a fabulous glass of wine, the sound of the ocean, etc).  Ironic then, isn't it, that I'm finding it so difficult to love myself?

This isn't a new revelation.  I've struggled with it my whole life - which is again ironic, considering that I was raised in a house with a lot of love.  My parents, who were high school sweethearts, just celebrated their 45th Anniversary. They came to my games - celebrated my successes - and stuck by me when I made mistakes.  I'm sure I hated them when I was a teenager, but they were terrific parents and I knew that even then.  My sister and I did the normal sibling thing - arguing over clothes, fighting over the bathroom, throwing forks at one another (or maybe that was just me) - but I was always pretty sure she loved me (would she have told me about the dead bodies and flamingoes if she didn't?).  She's my best friend.

Looking back I realize I had what others probably thought was an enviable life (it was).  Yet no matter what I did I was never satisfied with what I achieved.  I've often thought that this insatiability helped push me harder and thus achieve more, but I've found that it can also work in the opposite direction.  I see that now quite clearly.  

Despite all the love that people are showing me and the progress that I've made (inside and out) I still find it hard to feel good about it.  So I've lost 12 pounds - why haven't I lost 15?  My face looks thinner - why is my stomach still so fat? I'm working my ass off in class - why aren't I working harder?  Negative self talk.  I remember it well.  

So, add this to the list of things I need to work on.  Gosh, it's getting long....

      

Photos Don't Lie: Part Deux

I threatened to post some pics awhile back but my insecurities got the best of me.  Now that I am unofficially 12 pounds down I am, actually, even LESS willing to do so.  Why?  Because I feel like I've been working my ass off and don't really look that different.  A few people have commented on how they can see it in my face (thank you friends!) and one of my sweet daughters recently said 'I can tell your boobs are smaller." (really?) but all in all I don't see much of a change.  

But I realized I had to get over my shame real quickly when Hyam had a photographer in the studio a few weeks ago taking pics for her website and an ad in a local publication.  As incredible as she is (check her out here)  - she couldn't hide the fact that I am, well,  still fat.  It was tough to look at - really tough.  Hyam did remind us to look at how strong we are and to be proud of what we're doing - which I am -  but I can't deny that it was nearly impossible to get my eyes to move past the huge ring around my stomach.

So, since the photos are going to be public I thought I'd fess up to the truth now.  Photos don't lie, right?  Below you'll find a few chronological photos from the past few years to the past few months.  There is truly only about 1 photo of me for every 200 we have in our files because 1) I'm always behind the camera and 2) I've not wanted to be in any pictures because of my weight.  I'm trying to let go of the second one, but it's not easy.

July 2008

Despite the obvious I was in major denial about my weight until I saw how awful I looked in this photo.  I was mortifed when we got back from this trip and saw it staring back at me.  How had I not seen this in the mirror?

July 2009

Nothing like standing next to your gorgeous, skinny family to remind you of how fat you are! I lost a few pounds before this trip - knowing I'd have to be with them - but my priorities got out of whack not too long after our return - and so did my weight.

April 2010 

So let me first say that this picture is horrendous and makes me look even worse than I really looked at the time.  I used it here because - how could I not?  I look like a beast.  It's one year later and I've managed to not just gain everything back but to actually exceed my former max capacity.  It was this vacation that finally got me thinking about true change.  (And no, I'm not passed out, just taking a little nap on the beach...with a margarita in my hand...)

May 2010 

I met Hyam shortly after that last beach trip.  About one month later I am 5 pounds down.  I appear very happy about it in this picture - and I am.  I'm feeling good, sleeping and can see changes already.

July 2010

10 pounds down. Though the pounds aren't falling off quite as quickly as I'd like them to I see and feel changes every day.  I'm still big, but a little smaller - and much stronger - than I was just a few months ago.  Interesting how photos can show you not only how far you've come, but also how far you have to go...

Craziness Has It's Perks

So here's the unforseen perk of letting your weight loss goals and struggles be known to the world - people want you to succeed!  They celebrate your little victories with you, send you e-mails supporting you and - best of all - make an effort to tell you how great you look. Seriously, there's no bigger ego boost to a fat girl on a diet than someone noticing your efforts (especially when you've only lost 10 pounds!).  

Would this be happening if they weren't aware of every little detail about what I'm doing?  Probably not, but I don't think it really matters.  We all love hearing that what we're doing is worthwhile.  Whether it's work - weight loss - school - or whatever you may be working at - we all enjoy having our efforts validated.  (Especially me - thanks everyone!) 

In The Numbers

Regardless of how far I go in this journey I will never divulge my actual weight to you.  Sorry, but after nearly 30 years of battling with the scale I find those numbers to have such a negative influence on my self-esteem that I barely even acknowledge them myself.  I realize, however, that they are a way of determining success, so I can't discount them completely.

So, I've decided that I'm going to kind of embrace them for the sake of the blog.  Kind of.  Though I don't take much stock in things like height/weight charts or even BMI, I do acknowledge that there has to be some easy way to track success.  So I'm starting with the number 40, which is the number of pounds I think I need to lose.  It's a somewhat arbitrary number - based solely on what I think I should weigh in order to look the way I'd like to look and feel the way I'd like to feel - but it's a number - and I know people like numbers.

Once a week I will weigh in and report to you where I am at.  The goal, of course, is that every time I post the number will have decreased. Since I didn't post last week's weigh-in I will do that now - it was...39.     

This will be fun, right?

The Biggest Loser in C'ville?

I spent Saturday morning with my friends Heather and Josephine signing up for Biggest Loser Charlottesville. This 10-week long event isn't actually affiliated with the NBC phenonmenon Biggest Loser, but rather a fundraiser-turned-community-shape-up for the Hope Community Center - a local non-profit organization dedicated to challenging poverty, fighting homelessness and building community.  I've communicated with Joshua Bare, the Director of the Hope Center, a lot on Twitter so I was thrilled to be able to help him promote it to my SuzySaid readers.  He probably didn't know, however, that I'd be a participant, too!

We showed up at the event around 7:30am to see a line of at least 50 people standing in front of us.  I was completely astounded by how many showed up for this event (preliminary numbers show more than 270 registered!).  After being weighed, measured and outfitted with t-shirts, water bottles and a little promotional material (of course!) we were officially part of the program.

So what does someone receive for the $35 entry fee?  The chance to win over $5000 in cash and prizes, along with a Saturday morning workout from the various sponsors (i.e. ACAC, Gold's, etc.) surrounded by 250+ people with the same goal as you and the awesome feeling of knowing you are doing something to change not only your life, but that of others too (by supporting The Hope Center).

If you weren't one of those waiting in line with me Saturday morning but you're interested in joining the program don't fret.  You can sign up and weigh in for Biggest Loser Cville at the Weight Watchers location in Albemarle Square on Tuesday and Thursday of this week.