Forever

I spent a weekend at the beach in Port Aransas, Texas with my sister and mom at the end of March.  It was a great weekend filled with lots of laughter, reminiscing and making new memories.  I love both of them immensely, and having time like this is about as good as it gets. 

As good as it was for the soul, however, it was difficult on my self-esteem.  

My sister and mom, you see, are both quite thin and beautiful.  I often joke that if you sliced me in half both vertically and horizontally you'd have my my sister.  At 5'3" and about 110 pounds it's not actually that much of an exaggeration.  And while she's always been petite and thin, she recently discovered a passion for (obsession with) tennis that has taken her tiny, cute body to hot rockin', cute body with some serious muscle (you should see her guns!).  

And then there's my mom. At 70 years old she could still rock a bikini if she wanted to (she doesn't) and can put most 30 year old women to shame when it comes to energy levels (without drinking a 5-Hour Energy Drink).

So you can see why I might feel a little out of place...

Most of the time I am good at separating my weight from my self-worth. I know my body size doesn't define who I am, and the majority of the time I'm truly okay with - actually proud of - who I am.  I work hard at being strong and I've almost completely overhauled my diet in the past few years.  I am not the insecure, overweight, unfit, bulimic girl I used to be. But sitting in a swimming suit next to your hot 44 and 70 year old family members makes it pretty impossible to deny that you are not nearly as thin or fit as you'd like to be, either.

Prior to my trip I had spent several weeks telling myself that it was time to kick it up a notch. I'd been stuck at a certain weight for several months and I knew that it would only change if I did something about it.  Being with my mom and sister was actually a good reminder that I needed to do more than just think about it.  The only one who has control of this is me, and sitting around wishing I was smaller has never been an effective way for me to get where I wanted/needed to be. Go figure.

So, we're now two weeks post spring break and I have, indeed "kicked it up a notch". i'm happy to report that, thanks to a major change in my diet (which I will blog about this weekend) and the addition of a hour of boxing with Laura at Clay (which I will blog about soon, too!) I am five pounds down!  

It's a good start.  Now, I just need to keep it up.  Forever.

The New 30

I may have forgotten to mention this, but I turned 40 last month. Yep, the big 4-0! I honestly thought I'd be more freaked out about it than I was. I mean, this is 40 after all - I'm old now, right?

That is what I thought when I was 30, but now I keep hearing "40 is the new 30" so it must not be all that bad. To be honest, I'm crossing my fingers that 40 is nothing like 30. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't an entirely bad time, but I remember that birthday like it was yesterday for a reason. 

We were in Denver for a visit and the Spicy Chicken organized a surprise party for me at Wazee Supper Club (one of my faves).  My parents and sister completed the surprise by showing up in a limo (from Minnesota!) and all of my best Colorado friends and family were there. Sounds wonderful, right? And it was. The part I'm leaving out, however, is that what I left behind when that limo showed up was an 8 month old baby who cried 24/7, wouldn't take a bottle at all and refused to be held by anyone but me (not even her father). I couldn't remember the last time I slept more than a few hours at a time because she had horrible reflux, could only sleep sitting up and did I mention she wouldn't let anyone else hold her but me? Oh - and I had a two and a half year old who was completely angelic but had a bowel obstruction that sometimes caused her to get so constipated she'd throw up. I wasn't working at the time, which you'd think would be a good thing, but was a major source of stress for me. Do I want to go back to work? What will people think if I don't? What will people think if I do? How will we pay the mortgage if I don't? How will we pay for daycare if I do?????

It was a really uncertain time for me, shrouded by insecurity and an obsession with what others though of me. Couple that with a really bad haircut (what going on there, anyway?), clinical depression and an immense struggle to lose the rest of that pregnancy weight and I was a hot mess!

This isn't to say that I don't have some of those same issues at 40. I'm still struggling to lose that pregnancy weight (what? It's only been 10 years...) and I can't claim I've really figured out the whole career/mom thing yet, but I've definitely learned that my choices  and decisions are just that - MINE - and what others think of them really doesn't matter. Add that to the fact that Katie finally takes a bottle....and 40 is looking pretty damn good!

(PS I apologize to the person who took this picture - I can't remember where I found it)