Old Habits Die Hard

Even after years of attempting to deal with my emotional eating - and great forward strides - I still struggle with hiding my emotions under food.  Let's face it - hot fudge feels a lot better than tears do (tastes better too).  

Most of the time I have a good handle on it, but when things go really wrong I can easily lose control.  Within minutes of receiving the call from Chrissy's mom that she had slipped into a coma I found myself in the refrigerator reaching for pretty much anything I could get into my mouth, and it grew progressively worse over the next few days before I got a handle on it.

Truthfully, excepting a few sugar-laden granola bars and yogurt that I allow the kids to have for snacks (and currently those damn Girl Scout Cookies) there's not much worth over-indulging on in our kitchen.  That doesn't usually stop me, however.  Remember, I started dieting and binge eating around the age of 9.  I'm a master at creating something horribly caloric and disgusting out of virtually nothing.

We didn't often have sweets in the house when I was growing up.  It's not that it wasn't allowed, but rather if it was there it was hidden. Yes, I said hidden. My mom would actually buy or make things and hide them from my dad and I.  It wasn't as cruel as it sounds - she knew that if they were in plain sight we couldn't help but eat them (all of them), so she was trying to protect us. Over time Dad and I got pretty good at her little game of hide and seek (there are only so many places you can hide a cake) and she eventually gave up on fooling us and just stopped buying them.  So when I wanted/needed to binge I had to be creative.

Therefore in my tween years I became the MacGyver of the kitchen - concocting things like mock ice cream sundaes made out of stale marshmallows leftover from our last trip on the river smothered in Hershey's Chocolate Syrup (for some reason we always had a can of this in the refrigerator) and "peanut butter cups" from baking chocolate and peanut butter (drizzling a little of that chocolate syrup on the top helped cut the bitterness).  And if we had white bread? The sky was the limit!


I don't go this far anymore, but I have been known to invent some crazy combos in the middle of a sleepless night (which usually involve peanut butter) and I can brew up some really interesting combinations with just a Laughing Cow Cheese Wedge, a bobby pin and a refrigerator door full of condiments.  


Old habits die hard.  But they do die. I'm going to make sure of it. 


   

Comfort

I've always been an emotional eater.  Had a fight with a boyfriend? Drown my sorrows in ice cream. Bad day at work? Scarf down a box of Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls. Kids driving me crazy? Nothing a loaf of fresh bread and some gourmet cheese can't fix (especially if paired with wine!).  

When I was in my teens and early twenties I would literally eat myself sick with incredible amounts of food so that I wouldn't feel the pain of my emotions, but rather that in my stomach and throat from the eventual vomiting that would follow. I avoided gaining weight from these binges by sticking my fingers down my throat or ingesting laxatives. 

Thanks to therapy, anti-depressants, some wisdom that comes with age and the support of friends and family I was able to control my bulimia by the time I reached my mid-twenties. The emotional eating never fully subsided, however.  I still ran to food to comfort me, as many of us do (it's so common that there's even an eHow article on how to stop it!) .  Beating bulimia, unfortunately, brought on my initial weight gain.  Looking back I probably needed it then - 5'8 and 120 pounds is pretty small.  It wasn't until a few years later that my weight once again became a problem.  This time, however, I wasn't too small.  


Our first move to Seattle was exciting but also very difficult for me.  I was used to having tons of friends, a job and freedom to roam wherever and whenever. Now I found myself in a new city with a new baby and the only person I knew - the Spicy Chicken -  was out of town more than he was home.  So I did what I knew worked and filled those voids with food (and shopping, but that's a completely different post).  Most women who struggle with their weight post-pregnancy are dealing with weight the gained while pregnant.  I, on the other hand, gained most of my weight after Maggie was born.  The months after I had her were really tough.  I felt like all I ever did was nurse her and I was always tired.  I started watching soap operas.  Yes, it got that bad. 

A few years later, however, I had friends, a job and another new baby on the way. We'd found an anti-depressant that really worked for me (after quite a few that didn't).  The voids were filled and I was finding that exercise was a much more effective way to deal with stress and emotions than eating was. I did I triathlon.  I did a 10 K. I felt great. Then we moved in Omaha.  

Not surprisingly my weight shot up once again.  Eventually we settled in to Omaha, however, and I started to get back on track.  Then we got transferred to Charlottesville. 

Do you see a pattern starting here?

It's been almost five years since we moved to C'ville and we have no plans to leave (though we are moving across town).  I have an incredible group of friends, I'm doing some fun part-time work and fill the other hours a day trying to be the best mom I can be.  While the Spicy Chicken travels more now than ever we've developed a routine that works for us and I only bitch about it once or twice a month.  I miss my family in Minnesota and Texas but I don't feel that void like I used to as my parents visit on a regular basis and the friends I have here are truly like family to me.  I work out at Clay three days a week and fill the other days running and hiking with Scout.  No voids.  No room for emotional overeating, right? 


Of course that's not true.  But filling my life with other positive things - and working the past few years on having a healthy relationship with food - has definitely changed how often I turn to it for solace.  Instead of throwing down an entire day's worth of calories when something goes wrong (and inevitably it will) I turn to my running shoes - or my friends- or Wii Zumba (yes, I have actually started doing this, but don't expect any videos to be posted here!).  Some days I turn to my computer - like I am right now - to sort out my feeling as I write it out for all the world to see.  Amazing how therapeutic a blog post can be!

Oh No I Didn't

Oh yes I did!  

I not only ordered, but actually drank a entire 
Starbucks Grande Caramel Frappuccino

WTH was I thinking???

So here's how it happened. I started the day with eggs, whole wheat toast and a small glass of orange juice.  I've found that kicking off the day with a fair amount of protein keeps me going all morning and is helpful on days when I have a substantial workout planned (today is a "Long Run" day).  We usually load our eggs up with veggies but we were running late and low on options (today is also Whole Foods day) so they were pretty naked.

For some reason (lack of veggies?) around 11 o'clock I was dragging so I popped in to Starbucks for a cup of coffee.  I still had a few errands to run before heading home for lunch so thought a little caffeine wouldn't hurt - especially with that Long Run ahead of me.  I don't do Starbucks often, but when I do I usually just have Tall Skinny Latte (I did live in Seattle for four years). However, when I got to the front of the line what came out of my mouth was

"Could I have a Grande Caramel Frappucino please?"  

Before I knew it I handed over an exorbitant amount of money and was walking out with a cup full of sugar, coffee and ice, topped with...whipped cream!!

I honestly have never ordered one of these things before because not only I am fully aware of how many calories and fat grams just one of them contains (410 and 15, respectively), but I've always assumed they'd taste so damn sweet and wonderful that the sugar addict in me would want more. (Avoidance isn't always a bad tactic).  But today some section of my brain - the sabotage section maybe? - jumped in and took over. And there it was, in my hand.  What else could I do besides drink it?

So, here it is in writing.  I f'd up. What do I do now?

I forgive myself and get right back on track, that's what I do.  I eat the nutrient-packed tuna, spinach and red pepper salad I had planned for lunch and enjoy how good healthy can taste.  I head out on my run this afternoon and push myself a little harder than I might have had I not overindulged this morning.  And...I stay far, far away from Starbucks!

"Good" For You

I was so excited this week because I found this new (or at least new-to-me) instant oatmeal that was hearty, delicious and - I thought - nutritious.  I grew up on the Quaker Instant Oatmeal Packets and though I love them they're not all that reminiscent of true, whole oats.  I've read over and over again how good oatmeal is for me and how it will actually stay with me longer than cereal will -  I love it with strawberries, blueberries and all the great fruit that's in season right now so I thought this a perfect time to add oatmeal back in.  Recall, however, that I am a lazy cook.  So this Oat Revolution product looked perfect.  It was even "eco-friendly" because you could measure out the water in the bag the oatmeal came in.

I made this is morning and was so pleased with myself. Not only did I get up early enough to take Scout on a 2-mile walk before cycling class on a Saturday morning I ate hearty, healthy oatmeal for breakfast after class.  Or so I thought...

While I was happily chomping my oatmeal with strawberries and blueberries I glanced at the back of the package (to see just how healthy I was being).  This is what I saw:

Total fat 2.5g...Cholesterol 0g...Fiber 3g...Protein 4...Sugars 13...


Hold on a minute, Did that say 13 grams of sugar?  That's more than the Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch I caved and bought Maggie at the store yesterday (Cap'n Crunch claims 9).  And guess what? My "not reminiscent of real oats" Quaker Oat packets has the same amount of fat, fiber and protein with only 9 grams of sugar too.  What the hell?


Full disclosure - I did buy "Maple and Brown Sugar" oatmeal so I probably should've realized the sugar would be high, but I never thought that high.  It's a good lesson for me though, to realize that though this option is definitely better for me than some I might have chosen in the past, processed, packaged food is just that - processed and packaged - not a nutritional powerhouse.


Lesson learned.  But what am I going to have for breakfast tomorrow???

So Long Sugar

An interesting thing happened tonight when the girls and I were shopping for and working on their gingerbread houses for the Virginia Gingerbread Christmas contest  (we bought the pre-made houses but decorated them with our own stuff). The sugar, frosting, candy, cookies -  even the pretzels - did not appeal to me.  Nothing about any of it made me want to eat it. Nothing.  It actually nauseated me.

For most people this wouldn't be such a big deal but for a big girl with a sweet tooth like mine it's  a pretty major thing.  I didn't get to where I was by eating enormous meals or tons of fast food - I got there by sneaking little bites of sugar here, there and well, everywhere. 

While they created their masterpieces (and popped candy corn, gum drops and jelly beans into their mouths when they thought I wasn't looking) I actually ate tomato soup and carrots with hummus.  

Who say you can't teach an old dog new tricks?

Ice Cold Milk and...

...and an Oreo Cookie.... Which  I just ate like 5 of!  Ugh!  What was I thinking?  Where did they even come from? I don't know how they got here, but there they were -on the counter taunting me "Eat us....eat us...we're so sweet and yummy and delicious..."

How can something so completely artificial taste so good? Ok, maybe the word "good" is giving a bit too much credit to the little chocolate demons, but when you have a sweet tooth like mine and you're trying to eliminate stuff like this you can get pretty desperate - and who can argue with childhood memories? 

But it's such a complete waste of calories that I was so fully overcome with guilt shoving them in my mouth that I didn't even enjoy them!  Usually I'm of the thought that if you're going to blow it on something sugar-laden and calorie packed you should go all out - eat the real deal - like a cupcake from Cappellinos or an amazing cookie from my friend Kelly's new cookie company.  You enjoy it thoroughly and then get right back on track (and tell Hyam so she makes you pay for it the next day in class!). You DO NOT waste those calories on fake, processed, junk! 

But I did it, didn't I?  And yes, I'm feeling completely remorseful (not to mention a little queasy) afterward.  Damn Oreos.  

I Heart Sugar

I do not come by eating healthfully naturally.  It wasn't that I wasn't served healthy meals or given good foods as a chid. On the contrary, we always ate well and as a family whenever possible.  I was never forced to clean my plate or anything like that, though it was expected that I eat my vegetables.  Thank goodness Peaches the dog had a penchant for veggies -  because she ate more lima beans and cooked carrots than I ever did!  

My mom and my sister boast about craving vegetables and even the Spicy Chicken eats salad at almost every meal, but me, well, not so much.  I crave the typical sugar and carbohydrates.  I am also an emotional eater.  When things get stressful the first thing I do is pop some sweet and high calorie into my mouth.  Herein lies one of my major problems.

The past week I've forced myself to be very cognizant of not only my food choices, but when and why I'm eating.  The results were not surprising - a lot of easy to grab, simple sugar-laden carbs. Sometimes I corrected myself before the "bad stuff" made it to my mouth - other times, unfortunately, I didn't.  I know that there is no way I am going to lose significant weight without making some major changes when it comes to eating, but it is going to be hard.  Nobody said it was going to be easy (although I have to admit I was kind of hoping it would be!).